Hi there

How are you?

It has been a long time since we last spoke. And I wish you would read this – except that I’m not even sending it to you.

I have been considering living on other country. I am a bit bored at my current job and I see more opportunities abroad. The problem is that Paris comes to my mind many times. Of course the main reason is that on my business / expertise, that is the most obvious choice. But I am having trouble understanding if I want to go there because of those opportunities or…because of you.

I consider myself a rational person by you take my inner strength away. My EQ seems to be loosing its way because of you.

Silly of me! We have nothing, we are nothing! We never exchanged more than words.

And yet… you left a ‘mark’ on me.

Since September 2017 – there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think of you. This is the truth. The ugly truth.

I wish I could forget you. If someone offered me to clear my mind and every memory of you – … I wouldn’t hesitate.

This is my 2019 resolution:

Remember to forget you.

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Inner battle

“How are you? ”

(I usually never asked you this because I always thought I had to save on words with you. So I used as few as possible, got straight to the point and said what I needed to say.

But I guess you didn’t appreciate this that much. I always got the feeling that you thought that I was self-centered for not asking. )

I’m struggling, for real.

I’m trying not to go over and over the same topic in my head. And I’m always on the same thought: you.

Rationally, it’s very clear. I am perfectly aware of what I can and should do.

But my mind is wild. Savage. Indomptable.

And this is why I’m so lost in translation: my brain says something , but my heart understands it differently.

I miss you

Or I might be missing the idea of you.

I miss the idea of hanging out with you, just talking and laughing. This would be so amazing that, even if it has never happened, I miss it already.

What happened – our big and repetitive conversations – this I miss too.

I miss your kindness and your teasing.

Please – please! Let’s meet soon.

Bond

This week I decided not to access your IG, FB or any of our old conversations.

And this has been harder than I thought. I don’t check it often, but sometimes I sneak into it just to check on you.

And it made me realize that I’m attached to you. I won’t say “forever” because that it a very strong word. But I can say that you changed me in a way that I won’t ever be the person I was before.

We won’t ever have anything more than this connection. But I am starting to realize that maybe the best is to embrace this connection and just let it be.

Ok, we will of course follow our separated ways, but we will still have this special bond between us. And my dear G, that is beautiful.